‘I’m a bad parent’, ‘I’m not feminine enough’, ‘I’m so sloppy’..any self-judgment in you that you wanna transform into a little love shower?

Watch how I transform a judgment I had about myself.

Video transcript:

The only moment a self-judgement works against you, is when you believe it’s true. For example, if I believe that I am a bad mom, I might get stressed and I might feel down. And as a result of that I might not be so available for my children. So in that way, a self-judgement could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And there’s many more of these kind of judgements that you might recognise.

As soon as you realise that “I am not a good mom” is just a thought produced by your brain, it already loses power. But I’ve noticed that usually it is not quite enough to really move to self-confidence and relaxation. What Nonviolent Communication helped me to see, is that whenever I have a judgement it just means that there is a need that is not met. And the louder the judgement is barking, the bigger the need is behind it.

So whenever a judgement pops up into your head, you could also see it as an opportunity to get to know your biggest needs. And then, if you know those needs, you can actually take care of them in kind of small steps. In order to really find your needs behind your judgements you need to first welcome your judgements as if they are your closest friends.

In the demo I will show you how I take care of one of my self-judgements, making use of the ‘BFF with your self-judgements sheet’. You can download that sheet at www.CupofEmpathy.com. I hope you enjoy the demo. So, a self-judgement that I have had lately, a lot, is that ‘I am cold’. So.. Yeah, why do I have this.. What is it related to? Lately I’ve sad ‘no’ a lot to people. And that is still kind of a judgement, I suppose, because I am saying ‘a lot’. So I guess the observation would be something like, there have been a few invitations of people that I said ‘no’ to that where kind of from new people. So, I imagine potentially kind of the start of a friendship or dating.. dating, series of datings.. And also I’ve said goodbye to some old friends. I told to one group of friends I had in my study time that I preferred to spend time with other people, basically. It’s not exactly how I said it, but, I tried to explain why I am looking more to connect to people in Amsterdam rather than.. Well, I don’t know, I think I am already defending myself a little bit. Because it is in a way scary to share this. So, yeah, there have been.. I guess the observation, the really neutral observation, would be that I have told people that want to be in contact with me, that I prefer to be spending my time in another way. With other people, or other activities. Okay, wow, that’s already sounding a lot different. It’s funny.. I’ve done this process so many times but it’s, in a way, kind of the truth. So when I am saying ‘I’ve said no a lot’ or, I don’t know, the way I was describing it was still a bit judgemental somehow. But I guess the truth is, or the neutral way to put it, is that I told some people that want to be in contact with me that I prefer to spend my time in a different way. Now there’s a bit of sadness coming up. I guess because I said no to people that part of me still loves. And I am scared that they don’t see that. So, I am actually.. Yeah, I’m scared that they see me as cold. Cold in the sense of not caring about a connection that has been very long.. Or, when it is about new people, not caring about other people’s feelings. So, I guess it is really painful to tell myself this thing that ‘I am cold’, because what it means, what is behind it, the idea that I don’t care about other people.. it is so not true. It’s like I care so much. And now I feel a bit of frustration that I cannot make this clear to people. Like there is, actually there is another judgement, that maybe, yes, I care, but I am unable to communicate this in a clear way. The judgement is something like: my messages in which I am saying this thing of ‘I prefer to spend my time in a different way’.. that they are cold. Those messages are not good enough. And that’s ‘extra bad’, because my job is to communicate. So it’s kind of like, ‘Well, there you are, this great communication expert, trying to say no to people, but everyone is upset.’ So maybe that’s another observation, that some of the responses I got were.. yeah, what was it about then? I guess the most neutral way to say it would be that they.. and I am already a bit smiling, because.. That they showed.. that the person had unpleasant feelings. And sometimes I interpreted that there were judgements as well about the way I brought it or about the fact that I did it. Yeah, I’m not sure about that. But.. so I guess one need is.. Hmm, I’m not sure if I’m ready to go to the need. I notice I want to speed up because I’m thinking ‘the camera is rolling’. I still feel like someone is, you know, massaging my intestines in a not so pleasant way. There is fear. Yeah, I think the fear is to be thrown out of the tribe of human kind. I really have this imagine that at some point there will be some kind of judgement day, and then all these people will be lined up for me, and they’re gonna be like ‘you really hurt me..’ and ‘it was really horrible the way you delivered your message..’ Somehow it’s a bit funny to me now. I think I want to check the need card, it’s right here.. These are the feelings.. Yeah, it’s really, I’m smiling when I’m reading a need that is matching. It’s a need to belong. At least that is one important need. Let me check, anything else..? So, I just discovered, I’m not sure it was recorded because my camera switched of.. I discovered that there’s this one voice saying ‘I’m cold when I say no’ and the other voice is saying ‘yeah, but I really want to be free, I want to have this freedom to choose how I spend any minute of my life. With whom, what I am doing..’ This freedom is so important to me and I am so happy that I am living in a country where that’s possible. And.. I really have this.. I don’t know, I’ve never been really ill or something, but sometimes it feels like I have been facing death or something, because I am always so aware that my life is short, or at least limited. And I really want to spend my time so wisely. So I can understand why this one part is barking so loud, because there’s another part kind of barking back, and I guess they are kind of fighting. So I like that I am now here in this other side as well: I have a need for freedom, freedom of choice with whom I spend my time and in what way. Okay, so I just took a break because my camera was overheating. And actually in my break I got some more clarity and maybe some ideas for a request I could make to myself. So there is this need for.. that, in the way I say no to people that I am honouring the love for them, the friendship that I have with them. And, I was thinking, it is very simple, but I was thinking just to tell them. When I am saying, okay, I notice I want to spend my time in a different way, that I will let them know.. that actually, it’s painful for me to bring that message, because there is also a part of me that there is still a bit of love there, or an interest even.. and that it might be confusing to hear.. but that that’s kind of the complex truth of life. It’s not like a ‘full no’ for them or something. And also, that I also connect to the idea that maybe that’s not enough. I mean, likely there’s still hurt or something, but, I connected also with a kind of strength in myself.. that, yeah, it’s enough: I can’t do more than my best. And that maybe, my message is not always perfect, but also that there’s some.. I’m starting to connect with some compassion there, that I’m completely new to this.. I never, at least not that I remember, quit friendships before.. it’s very intense in a way. I guess I’m learning how to do it in a way that really meets my needs and hopefully also those of the other person. And then there was this need to belong to human kind.. and I am thinking of, kind of, how to say it.. to try to maybe ask around, or maybe if you guys want to email me, I’m very open to that as well.. to ask for people who have experienced the same, who have been on my side, and who’ve tried also to do this in an honest way, to give transparency to an old friend or to new contacts, like, ‘I prefer to do something else’.. I would love to exchange about this phenomenon that is I think very human actually. And I feel really happy that I can connect to that now. There is real compassion. And that there’s also, that I also feel very connected to this need for freedom and like this happiness that I have, you know, I’m not in jail, I’m not in a warzone, where there’s so many restraints. I have so much. I feel really thankful for that. It seems maybe a bit unrelated, but for me it is very related. And now I have a headache, from all the crying. All that’s left is maybe a little bit of mourning that.. that there have been people that have experienced my ‘inexperiencedness’ in this. So that there was some hurt, maybe more than needed, that is my thought.. I don’t know, actually.. And maybe some frustration in me, that I still want to be seen, by them specifically.. And maybe, that there is a need for trust, that sometimes.. I’ve noticed sometimes people find forgiveness without me – forgiveness for something I did – without me putting energy into it. So I want to.. I don’t know, I’m not there yet, it’s gonna take time I think.. Yeah, I think I’m complete for now.

So I hope you enjoyed this demo, I would love to hear from you.. What is your biggest self-judgement? One that maybe you would really like to look at. Let me know in the comments!

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4 replies
  1. Mirek says:

    Dear Marianne,
    thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings etc. To see another human being living NVC is a good way to learn, at least for me.
    I have one question: „That they showed.. that the person had unpleasant feelings.“ is really observation? Did they tell you how they feel, did you see a frown?


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