I had not been wanting sex for weeks. I had my own business and a lot on my plate. Also, penetration with my partner had been a bit painful lately. ‘It’s such a hassle..’ I thought to myself whenever I would get into bed at the end of a day.
But my partner was longing to have more action, which triggered some pressure in me. I started to have thoughts like ‘I’m not a good partner..’ and ‘What if my libido does not come back??’
The result of pressure
If your partner wants to have sex more often than you do, chances are that at some point you will experience pressure. Maybe from them, maybe from your own mind. As a consequence, the last bit of drive might evaporate.
I was in this situation with one of my last partners and got out of that by applying Nonviolent Communication. I’ll explain what I did so you can benefit from it. Also, if you are the one who wants to have sex more often than your partner, you can go through the same steps.
1. Measure the gap
In order to bridge a gap you want to first get some clarity on how big the gap is. Ask yourself and your partner(s) the following question:
If anything was possible, if you did not have another person to take into account, how often would you be having sex with your partner?
Be honest with yourself and your beloved! If you push yourself here, sex is going to become linked to crossing boundaries and your body will start protecting you by lowering your libido and creating blocks like vaginism or erectile dysfunction. You deserve a sex life that works for you. Say out loud what you need in terms of frequency.
Sometimes the gap is actually less big than you think. For example, I realised that I actually wanted to do it about three times a week, as long as the circumstances were right. And my partner wanted it about 5 times a week. That brought some relief, because those numbers were not that far apart. I could see that it was the vaginal pain and the internal pressure that had made the whole subject less attractive for me.
If the gap is quite big and you are in a monogamous relationship, you can still go through the next steps and see if there is a willingness to accept the situation. If it truly feels like the difference is too big to overcome, and the role of sex is too important, it might be worth to reconsider how well of a match you are. But go through the next steps before you decide anything drastic!
Note: don’t judge your partner’s preference in frequency. Their preferences are not a demand for you, they are just a longing that you have no obligation whatsoever to fulfil.
2. Find your deeper sexual needs
Although acknowledging your preferred frequency can bring clarity, it also can give a sense that you are stuck. That’s why in this step we will park those numbers and will approach the situation from a different angle.
We are going to do a little research to answer two crucial questions to improve your sex life:
1) What needs does having sex meet for you?
2) What needs have to be fulfilled in order to want sex?
Let’s look at them more closely.
1) What needs does having sex meet for you? You might think: well, having sex is a need in and of itself right? But in NVC we say that people have a need for ‘sexual expression’, which could be met by having sex, but also by other things, such as: dancing, flirting, writing an erotic story, even being in nature..
Having sex could meet many needs: pleasure, intimacy, adventure, relaxation, a sense of being loved, connection, laughter..Just to name a few. Which 3 are most important for each of you?
In the case of me and my partner this was helpful to do, because in hearing one of his needs was ‘being loved’, I moved away from the judgment that he just wanted to follow his dick..and already had more of a sense of connection with him. I also realised for me sex meets a need for adventure and exploration, and I realised I didn’t experience that enough in the way we were doing it.
2. What needs have to be fulfilled in order to want sex? Maybe you need to have a sense of connection in order to get in the mood. Or harmony. Or physical comfort.
In my case it was clear that I needed more physical comfort, I needed to prioritise being pain-free in order to even get to arousal.
3. Create a Hyperconcre Proposal.
The needs we identified in step 2 are abstract. They will give you understanding and connection, but no plan of action. So that is what we want to look at next.
For example, I translated my need for adventure into the following proposal: every Sunday is going to be mystery Sunday. One of us arranges something special in the sex department, it could be finding an interesting location, adding toys, playing a game, whatever.
See how Hyperconcrete this is?
A few more needs translated into concrete proposals:
-A need for being rested: ‘we will make time for having sex on Sunday mornings and will go to bed before 11 on Saturday so that we have enough energy’
-A need for appreciation and confidence: ‘We will tell each other what we love about the other’s body before having foreplay and after being intimate we tell each other what we liked about what the other person did’
-A need for pleasure: ‘I will follow an online course on how to discover what brings me pleasure, I will go look for such a course this weekend’.
Get the gist? These are obviously just some random examples, you will need to find your way of meeting your need. It might require some trial and error – that is totally normal.
finished the three steps?
Take some time to execute and tweak your plan. In my case it took a few weeks, but my libido came back and we never worried about the frequency difference anymore..The sense of connection we got trough the exercise was the real turn-on 😉
Wanna learn more?
Join my webinar called ‘Authentic Relationships – have a better connection by being yourself’ for more tools. You can also ask me any questions there.
Check the webinar here
See you soon!