I am not enthusiastic to move in with my boyfriend.
This thought had crept into my head, whispering, because there was also a thought that no one was allowed to hear it. Especially not my boyfriend of course.
It was only a matter of weeks until my boyfriend smelled something.
‘Are you actually enthusiastic to live together?’ he asked. It was the morning that he would start decluttering his place to make space for my stuff. I would go to my place to sort things as well. And there the topic was.
I took a deep breath: ‘I mostly feel fear actually. I’m already here all the time and I like that, but when I officially move in I will lose my other house. That house I also enjoyed, the people there brought liveliness. And also, that house was affordable for me, and if we ever were to split up I don’t think I could find a house like that in Amsterdam. So I lose my safety net.’
I continued: ‘Actually the situation is not that I’m moving in. I already moved in. The only step we’re now gonna take is that I move my stuff and quit my house. And that I don’t feel enthusiastic about.’ I was silent for a while. It made sense what I said, it was true, but somehow I was not satisfied.
Then I realized it. I was in the what I call: ’fairytale freak-out’. It was a mismatch with what our society has presented as a fairytale: you meet ‘the one’, you move in and then you’re superhappy, get married, have a baby and are even happier. It was a big have to, a big ‘I should be happy to move in together’. Since I wasn’t feeling endless waves of enthusiasm, my brain started to panic: ‘there must be something wrong with the relationship’, and ‘maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I’m being too critical about relationships’. The belief in this fairytale was messing with me.
And then I reconnected with reality. The reality in this moment was that I loved this honest talk. I love the honesty in my relationship with this guy. Looking at his face that was all tenderness about my sharing. The fact that there is space for my fears, my not fitting in a certain picture, makes me want to be there.
Half an hour later I hugged him to go to my place. And there it was. I felt a wave of enthusiasm. About moving my stuff in. About sharing a house with this man. Writing our own fairytale.