‘How we resolved the conflict about our carpet’
You might say: ‘but Marianne, I like all that mindful conflict resolution and stuff, but what if it’s just about something silly like what carpet are we going to put in the living room? Can’t I just push a bit for what I want and it will be just fine?’
And I would say: ‘NO YOU CANT!’ Kidding. Of course you can. But. There is an after effect. When you push for what you want, you start with the assumption that it’s needed for you to push for what you want, that it is not EASY for you to receive what you want in life. That others don’t want that for you, or maybe you yourself don’t think you are deserving. It is a deeeeep thing. And so resolving a disagreement properly is about assuming that life will give you what you need, that YOU can bring yourself what you need. It’s about loving yourself. Yes, even talking about the decision for a carpet is about loving yourself. Now in order to make this a bit more practical, me and my boyfriend are going to demonstrate a self-loving, friction free conflict resolution about a disagreement we had. Bonus: you will find out what carpet goes in our living room!



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10 replies
  1. Janine Brissett says:

    Hi Marianne,
    This was awesome on many levels. So encouraging to see a mature couple who have lived independently before this, learning to negotiate joint decisions..or make priorities together. It takes inner awareness to know what we feel and like, but additional time, willingness and commitment of the heart to do that together. It was beautiful to witness this.

  2. Edith Napoleon says:

    Marianne, hello from Texas! I want you to know that we watch your videos as part of our bimonthly NVC practice group. The fact that you make them free to share, I appreciate that, you are truly committed to passing NVC to others. I love seeing these real life examples. Someone said in the comments that it would be challenging because her husband is not so calm or open as your partner. I had a similar experience it has taken almost one year of practice with my husband to gain his trust that I am not trying to manipulate him. I would even say many times “forgive me but I’m going to try what I learned in my group” before starting. Now we are having much calmer talks. I have to put myself on the back burner for a while and return to guessing at his needs when anger or frustration comes out of him. That led to him trusting me slowly. He still does not say to me “what are your needs” or reflect back to me, I have to offer them myself, but he is no longer closing off to me and he will keep engaged. In the mean time, I get my needs met by self empathy or with my group. It is like a slow repair of our relationship. I look forward to the day when we could talk as you and your partner do.

  3. Natalia says:

    Marianne, thank you for your explanations, now I understood why I always need to fight for what I need and I have such perception in life as though I cannot get what I need in easy way. Thank you very much!

    I like a lot your explaining videos) they are vivid and funny. What I would like to ask you is maybe to make also videos with dialogues with a person who knows nothing about NVC. Because my husband would behave different and willing to push his wish in not pleasant way. I would appreciate such videos very much, how NVC helping, because this is what I have in real life. A challenge with stubborn man. My friend looked this video and said the same, that with her not loyal husband it would be more difficult. Thank you! 🙂

  4. Jennifer Kindred says:

    …and the background music in the video was really fun! It helped remind me that the subject was not too serious and to “keep it light”.

  5. Jennifer Kindred says:

    I really loved this video. It really shows you each taking the other’s needs into consideration. I am remembering your video about compromise and how it really doesn’t work that well because neither one of you really gets your needs met. But in this case, you really worked to find an outcome that would make each of you smile in the end. It was a compromise…since in this case there weren’t a lot of other options besides picking another carpet…but it seemed to work in the end. I love how you are with each other and it’s really inspiring! Thank you.

  6. Jenny says:

    I found this fascinating, particularly interesting how decisions like this can matter so much.
    Could I suggest another need I observe, that of identity/recognition? I think it can be hard to accept others’ preferences about things which express our joint identity. It can feel like the other is negating our presence/identity.
    Thank you very much!

    • Marianne van Dijk says:

      I like that Jenny! We actually spoke about that in a part that didnt end up in the end video 🙂

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