How do you introduce NVC to your partner in a way that they’ll love?

Check the suggestions of a few partners of NVC-ers themselves!

More videos:

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listening connection

3 replies
  1. Martin says:

    My partner – and probably many other people as well – hates it when she has the impression I am trying to (psycho-)analyze her or using “psycho-language” on her. And that refers to any kind of rule-set or special structure of communication – not only to NVC. I guess that’s because of multiple reasons, but it all comes to: she wants to have an authentic communication partner and not someone with a hidden agenda who is possibly trying to teach me something. And my partner knows me very well and can clearly differentiate when I am acting not like myself. She knows I am dealing with NVC right know, and she basically knows what that means, but I wouldn’t be able to bring her to read about this topic by herself. She needs to get to know it in best practice first.

    That’s why I would recommend (your video mentioned that already) practicing NVC with other people first until it becomes a more automatic habit – before introducing your partner to it. An exception might be to use cards with the NVC steps on it and when you both are having a really tough fight about a recurring topic in your partnership again and when she has heard about NVC already – then you could say, ok, you know what, let’s try NVC on this topic and see if it can help. But it still depends on how you act then.

    And this reminds me of what one of your interview partner said and what is mentioned above: some people think that NVC people are kind of aggressive. I think it is impossible to use NVC for good if you’re not in the corresponding mindset while doing so and if you do not bring at least the basic skills or characteristics like empathy with you already. Like Rosenberg says and like you are showing in your demos: Real NVC is not so much about certain steps than about a special attitude or point of view of life (and communication). If you’re used to think in categories of right and wrong about other people then it will be really difficult to apply the four NVC steps.
    I myself am finding Rosenberg kind of aggressive in most of his public videos, it often looks to me like he is trying to correct his workshop attendees and cuts them short or even shows them up if they are not able to use the right steps and words right away. The looks he is giving to his audience are not the most empathic, especially in FAQ rounds at the end. I am not saying Rosenberg doesn’t bring the right attitude, but even if you know NVC very well like he does you are not immune to falling out of your giraffe role when being annoyed by someone. I read that some companies even reported that introducing NVC to promote a non-violent working culture often ended in employees who where fighting about who is using NVC the more correct than in better understanding. So yes, NVC can for sure end up being aggressive if used with aggressive motives.

  2. Mirek says:

    As one guy said in the video, some people may perceive NVC as aggresive. One reason may be that question “are you feeling x because you are needing y” is too intimate for them. What is common for NVC fans (expressing feeling and needs) may be strange for “Muggles”.
    Marianne, thank you for “spreading the word”. Your videos help me to fullfill my need to be part of a community – in this case the community of NVC fans.

    • Marianne van Dijk says:

      Thanks Mirek, I like your explanation of this lable of being ‘agressive’. Thanks for your appreciation as well 🙂

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