How to handle your jealousy – part 2
My boyfriend told it to me with the sense of guilt of a five-year-old who kicked his ball through a window.
‘I’m in love with someone’.
I remember very sharply my initial response. I got up and yelled at him: ‘GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!’. I could not allow this cause of pain to have a place in my life.
Obviously, that was not very effective. The pain was not in him, but in me. Not the fact that he was in love with someone else, but my own thoughts about it bothered me.
But I have learned that there is a weapon against unproductive thoughts, and have applied it successfully in the situation with this partner. I share below how you can do that for yourself.
Important: it only makes sense to take these steps if you have read part 1 of the jealousy tools. Read that first before you continue here.
I now assume that you have formulated the neutral trigger with the help of part 1. ‘He said his new colleague is handsome’. ‘He is going to dance with a friend’. Or in my case ‘He tells me that he is in love with a girl’.
Dismantle thoughts in 3 steps
1. Celebrate your judgments
Yes, you read that right. I invite you to celebrate your judgments about the trigger. Your judgments will tell you what is important to you. What needs you have. You therefore need to catch these judgments very precisely to be able to move forward in the process. By celebrating them, they all dare to emerge.
Take pen and paper and write in a brainstorm all your judgments and all your thoughts with ‘must’ or ‘should’ down, for example: ‘He has to care about me’, ‘You should bring a message like this very differently’.
Do it uncensored. Sometimes we tend to hold ourselves a little bit back. You may have learned that judgments are not allowed, that you should be sweet and kind and welcoming and open minded. In this phase it is the intention to address a different side of yourself. To let everything come as it comes:
‘What a jerk, he never thinks about me, that woman is a bitch …’
For me, for example, it was mainly:
‘He does not care about me anymore’
The other person does not have to read it, neither do you have to read it yourself after the end of the exercise if you do not want to.
2. Meet your jealousy
Now we get to the core. The feeling itself. Feelings only want one thing: to be felt. As soon as they are felt, they start to transform or move and make room for a new feeling. If you do not feel them, you will get the effect of dirt on a dish that has been standing too long: it will stick.
Therefore take at least 5 minutes for some emotional cleaning. To do so, go to your body:
- Where is the jealousy exactly? Is it in your stomach? Do you feel a cramp in your neck? Tension in your shoulders? And if it’s in your stomach, where is it exactly?
- How does it feel exactly? With me, jealousy comes as a stab and then as nausea. How does it feel for you?
- Try to make a visual picture of it, maybe it has a certain shape or color?
And are there any other feelings? Anger, insecurity, loneliness, shame? Take the time to feel that too.
3. Unwrap the gift of your judgment.
Now that your feeling is heard, look again at your judgments. And here comes the big trick.
Behind every judgment is a need.
I’ll repeat it because if you see this, your life will change completely:
Behind every judgment is a need.
What’s so great about that? If you have found your need, you can connect more easily with yourself. Judgments and thoughts only evoke more judgments and thoughts. It is easier to feel love for yourself when you hear that you just need to know that you matter. For your partner that is also easier to hear than “You don’t care about me!”.
Moreover, creativity can now bubble up. You now know what you want. And the need ‘to matter’, for example, is abstract, so it can be fulfilled in several ways. This makes you less dependent on the dream image of your partner, opening up all kinds of possibilities where your need ‘to matter’ can be fulfilled.
How do you figure out the need behind the thought?
If you don’t have my free need card yet: it’s part of the empathy toolkit and you can tell me where to send that on my homepage. You’ll get it straight away in your inbox.
So suppose your judgment is: he does not care about me at all.
Maybe you want to be taken into account? Maybe you want stability?
It is important that you find the need that touches you, not the need that you THINK you should have. It can totally surprise you. With me it is often the case that I feel a smile and a sense of relief when I have found the right need.
One of my needs in the love drama was that I wanted to be involved in the whole event. That idea already created space. As a result of this need, I made a request to call the girl that my boyfriend was in love with.
I tell you how that went down next time.
Yes, there is a next time, because we have not covered one thing yet. The way you make a request to someone else to fulfill your need is extremely important. If things are not going well, there’s a good chance that the other person says no to your request. Next time I will explain to you exactly how you approach this.
I’m very curious: Do you think it can work for you to find the need behind your judgment? Was this helpful for you? Let me know in the reaction field below!
Marianne van Dijk
If you know someone who might find this interesting, please send this article! I like to help as many people as possible.